i can't explain myself at all...
For whatever reason, I am incredibly tired today even though I got more than enough sleep. I feel like my body is giving out on me, even though I don't tax it nearly enough for that to happen. And I've been consistantly exercising, so there's no reason I should be getting sick. It's also not like I have a job that's exhausting me. Maybe my three interviews has wiped me out. Hah.
Lately, I've been very aware of the fact that on most nights, I sit at home, watching a movie or dvds. More than once, I've caught myself checking people's AIM profiles over and over again. I miss being at school and living with roommates and having friends that I could hang out with with one phone call and a short walk/bus ride away. I feel like I'm so far away from that life already and I've only been out of school for 6 months.
I've never been, by any means, a party person. Well, that's not true. I went through a year of hard partying freshman year, but after that, I kind of dreaded it. Alcohol usually makes me sick a couple minutes after I ingest it (I call it my ADD, Asian Drinking Disorder, it's been scientifically proven that many Asian ppl are allergic to alcohol. We simply don't have the enzyme to break down alcohol, so after we drink it, it becomes almost toxic. That's why we turn red so quickly, and in my case, there's also a lot of throwing up.) That's not to say, I don't like to have a drink once in a while, but my days of reckless binge-drinking have been severely impaired as the second I chug a drink, my insides feel like they're about to explode out of my body. So that has limited my desire to go out, get drunk, and dance/hook up. I've become quite the homebody, and I'm okay about that, but in attending one of the biggest party schools in the nation, sometimes it feels like everyone's out having fun but me. A lot of bonding is done whilst drunk that I've missed out on these past couple of years.
Now that I'm home, I don't usually feel like I'm missing out. Sometimes I get that twinge of jealousy when my friends visit each other and go out to party, but usually, I'm content in sitting at home and watching movies. I live in a completely different state than most of them and going to see them would require at least a 3 hour road trip. Of the few friends I do have in NYC, most live in different boroughs. To see a friend in Brooklyn can take upwards of 1 1/2 hrs to drive/take the subway to their house. Usually, we meet in a neutral territory, like Manhattan, catch a movie and have some dinner. And that's ok. Usually.
But sometimes I wish I was a more social person, that went out with friends a lot, to clubs and bars. I've always wished I had more friends at home, or rather, I had friends that would call me up and invite me places. In high school, I only had a couple close friends, and a bunch of casual acquaintances. Throughout the years of college, I've lost contact with almost all but two or three people. I always wonder what would've happened if I had made more of an effort to socialize with more people at school, or at least kept in contact with them.
Ugh, I'm having trouble forming coherent ideas, so I'm going to go watch Clue and zone out.
Lately, I've been very aware of the fact that on most nights, I sit at home, watching a movie or dvds. More than once, I've caught myself checking people's AIM profiles over and over again. I miss being at school and living with roommates and having friends that I could hang out with with one phone call and a short walk/bus ride away. I feel like I'm so far away from that life already and I've only been out of school for 6 months.
I've never been, by any means, a party person. Well, that's not true. I went through a year of hard partying freshman year, but after that, I kind of dreaded it. Alcohol usually makes me sick a couple minutes after I ingest it (I call it my ADD, Asian Drinking Disorder, it's been scientifically proven that many Asian ppl are allergic to alcohol. We simply don't have the enzyme to break down alcohol, so after we drink it, it becomes almost toxic. That's why we turn red so quickly, and in my case, there's also a lot of throwing up.) That's not to say, I don't like to have a drink once in a while, but my days of reckless binge-drinking have been severely impaired as the second I chug a drink, my insides feel like they're about to explode out of my body. So that has limited my desire to go out, get drunk, and dance/hook up. I've become quite the homebody, and I'm okay about that, but in attending one of the biggest party schools in the nation, sometimes it feels like everyone's out having fun but me. A lot of bonding is done whilst drunk that I've missed out on these past couple of years.
Now that I'm home, I don't usually feel like I'm missing out. Sometimes I get that twinge of jealousy when my friends visit each other and go out to party, but usually, I'm content in sitting at home and watching movies. I live in a completely different state than most of them and going to see them would require at least a 3 hour road trip. Of the few friends I do have in NYC, most live in different boroughs. To see a friend in Brooklyn can take upwards of 1 1/2 hrs to drive/take the subway to their house. Usually, we meet in a neutral territory, like Manhattan, catch a movie and have some dinner. And that's ok. Usually.
But sometimes I wish I was a more social person, that went out with friends a lot, to clubs and bars. I've always wished I had more friends at home, or rather, I had friends that would call me up and invite me places. In high school, I only had a couple close friends, and a bunch of casual acquaintances. Throughout the years of college, I've lost contact with almost all but two or three people. I always wonder what would've happened if I had made more of an effort to socialize with more people at school, or at least kept in contact with them.
Ugh, I'm having trouble forming coherent ideas, so I'm going to go watch Clue and zone out.
Labels: friends, loneliness, school
posted by Lily @ 10:12 PM
1 Comments:
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